Everybody Tweets, Sometimes.

Hi Internet!

I’ve been racking on my head trying to figure out what to write about this week.  There is a lot going on in the world at the moment. Is more stuff going on than usual? Is it all important stuff? How do we know? There must have always been a lot happening, but now we know more about it because of widespread media outlets like Twitter.  Twitter is super important, because it is the voice of the people, and what people say on it matters, even if they are a nobody and have no friends.  Look at me, for example.  I was among the majority of tweeters who average 4 followers, all spam pornbots. You would think this would make my tweets irrelevant, but if you type about something other people are interested in and put a tic-tac-toe board in front of it, you suddenly get attention.  All I have to do is write something about #JustinBieber or #OneDirection and I will get a SLEW of responses.

If you tweet “#JustinBieber hates his fans”, 

lots of people will write back to you!

It’s important to pick a good Twitter name, too.  Unfortunately, @Pistol was already taken, and because Twitter is a touch anti-Semitic, they won’t accept @PistolRubenstein as a name because it has too many characters.  For a while I was using @PissDoll as my username, but I was getting some rather unwanted attention from a certain gentleman in Japan (@MrNakamura, I’m looking at you). Also, having only 4 fake people following me did nothing to help my self-esteem/nightly crying time, so I took the account down.  Now I just use our combined P&J account (@PistolAndJack), which only has a few hundred followers, most of whom are there because Jack has a good way with threats, or because they think we are the infamous Florida firearm superstore “Pistols of Jacksonville”. 

“Tweet Tweet”

Anyway, back to talking about what’s important in the world and how Twitter knows. Occasionally Jack brings back a fish or a boy wrapped in newspaper and I get to reading it. Journalists seem to no longer need to interview people in person.  Instead they can just search on Twitter what “the public” feel about a certain subject and use it in their article. I think this is a great idea, because the people on Twitter and the intermatron in general are a fantastic sampling of the country across the board. (By “the country” I mean the USA and UK, because honestly, who cares about anyplace else.) What I’m saying is it makes sense to go to Twitter for factual opinions rather than ask the person sitting next to you in the bagel store you’re reading this in.

Where you are right now.

Twitter has a nifty feature called “Trends” which tells you exactly what you should know about today. According to Twitter, these are the most important things happening in the world:

Facebook, Twilight, Halloween, Lil Wayne, Instagram, Obama

Here are some examples of the intelligent discourse between Tweeters on those trends:

To maximise popularity, I tweeted about all of them in one. (I left out Obama, because I don’t want him to read it and think I like Twilight. #IHateTwilight.)

This is what that would look like.

There are also trends that are for people to share their shared experiences. It's good to write very general things that everyone can relate to so they like you more. Today’s are #EveryFamilyHas and #FamousRejectionLines.

Here are my contributions:

And there you have it, Internet! A little guide from me to you on how to use Twitter to teach you about what's popular in the world and how to tweet about it to get attention. Another quick tip? If you're going to a fancy party and want to impress the other people there, quickly look at the Twitter trends first. It will give you plenty of topics to bring up so you sound smart and in touch with the world, as well as fabulous ideas for shared experience conversations.

On my next blog, I will be answering questions from YOU the reader, so please tweet me your questions at @PistolAndJack or write them on our Facebook wall or e-mail them to me at info@pistolandjack.com or message/tag/poke/post me on my private Facebook account or comment on this blog or text me on +44-207-408-2350 or sneak into my home and write it on the mirror in red lipstick. I'm here for the fans and will be accessible as much as possible or as little as I want.

I love you so much it hurts when I breathe,

Pistol R.

The Future Will Be Here Soon

Hey lobsters, it’s Pistol.

I am SO SORRY that I haven’t blogged you in like, six months.  Trust me, I did not abandon you intentionally.  I’ve kinda been out of the country.  It’s a long story that begins with me blogging about Lindsay Lohan being an awesome female lesbian role model, middles with a guy whose name rhymes with Bladimir Futin finding our blog by an errant Google search, and ends with me in a glass cage in Moscow wearing a pastel baklava.  For the moment that is all I’m legally allowed to divulge. Trust me, the less you know, the less likely you are of being kidnapped and forced to eat perogies.

Me in Moscow. 

It was so cold, I had to wear this to keep my face from freezing off.  

 Perogies.

In July, I was briefly released from my cage to perform at the Secret Gardening Society Festival in Cambridgeshire.  I don’t understand how they manage to get any gardening done in all that mud. I’m not sure which was worse, losing my tent in a muddy marsh of drug-fuelled teenagers wearing nothing but glitterpaint, or being wrongfully imprisoned by Soviets. I think the fact that I willingly paid for my own flight back to Russia answers that question.

Some festival pics I took with my iPhucker:

 The stage we performed on floating in some mud.

 Us performing for the mudpeople.

This kid lost his horse in the mud at the festival. It sucked. 

But at least the burrito van had delicious guac.          

   

The good news is I am BACK in the UK.  And you know what? Jack didn’t even NOTICE I was gone. I had a whole apology planned for my return, complete with a slowed down, heartfelt, acoustic version of “Call Me Maybe” that I was going to perform for him. I walked into the bedsit, expecting a tirade of tears and anger from my long-time creative partner who I presumed had been in deep mourning due to my absence.  After I eventually got him to wake up, I was merely greeted with a “Where’d Santa go?” and a “Someone threw up in your sleeping bag. It wasn’t me.”  Whew! He had been blacked out since Christmas and didn’t even realize I’d been away! It’s times like that you have to thank the Lord Gaga Above for inventing barbiturates and Southern Comfort.

So, “what is next for the band now that Pistol is back and Jack is lucid?”, I hear you cry.  First of all, suck it up and stop crying. I’m back and you no longer have a reason to be sad.  Secondly, to answer your query, we are exploring other forms of media beyond the live stage.  This includes a reality show web series for your eyeholes and a podcast for your earholes.  To experience our magic you will no longer have to be burdened with leaving your house and travelling to a venue that serves alcohol and is packed with human beings. Get your P&J fix on the solo, and share it with your virtual friends virtually. It is the future, after all. Or at least it will be once we can figure out how to press record.

I will blog you again soon to tell you more of my adventures and correct opinions.

Much love,

Pistol Rubenstein-Obama

Girls, We Run This Mother

As all of you know by now, yesterday was International Women’s Day.  I still don’t understand why we need a special day to single out our achievements when we’re pretty much awesome all the time, but I’ve never been one to turn down extra attention.  In honour of the day, I’d like to post a tribute to the female women who have inspired me to be the strong, talented, and amazing person I am.  And let’s hope that in the near future the idea of female achievement won’t be remarkable or exceptional, but as boring and commonplace as douchebaggy bus drivers and hangovers on Sunday mornings.

Pistol’s Top Ten Awesome Girls Who Run The World

  

1. Beyonce Knowles-Z

My dear friend and life twin.  Because she wrote the song about it.  

(This also counts towards my weekly music video posting.)

2. Bette Midler

As a child, I wrote her several letters asking if she would be my mom.  I found them years later hidden in a box in my real mom’s closet. I still wonder to this day what could have been if they’d been sent.

3. Roseanne

She makes me laugh and is smart and crap.
PS How cool does she look in this black and white photo?

4. Sophia Grace Brownlee

Because you don’t have to be big or tall or over the age of 9 to show the world that women rock it. And also because she proves that it’s important to keep your gal pals by your side on your ride to the top.

5. Bella Abzug

The first Jewish Congresswoman and a fierce leader in the hat-as-fashion-statement movement. 

What’s not to like?

6. Lindsay Lohan

For coming out of the closet and showing the world that female women lesbians like her are not the perfect princesses we think they are and are just as flawed as the rest of us.

7. Dixie Longate

A working single mom who started out selling Tupperware to middle class housewives and now travels the world telling her inspirational story and making bank selling “the best plastic crap on the planet.” Australian fans can catch her at the Melbourne Comedy Festival this year, and I will post news soon about her London run!

8. Michelle Obama

Because she came in and said “Women in politics don’t have to wear pastel pants-suits! Let’s wear dresses and still kick ass!” She also does some issue/policy stuff to stop kids from getting fat/bullied.  (Check her out in the blue shiny Pistol colours!)

9.  Rachel Maddow

I just feel like we could be friends.

And finally...

10. My dad, Bruce Rubenstein

For raising me to be an awesome woman.  I love you, daddy.  Wherever you are.

Love,

Pistol xoxo

P.S.  I’m sorry this list is made up mainly of entertainers/people on TV. I don’t really care for newspapers, but I am aware that there are women out there who’ve done much more important things.  I just don’t know who they are.  But blame the internet and television for not telling me/representing them.

P.P.S.  Noticeably absent from my list? Angelina Jolie’s right leg. Even though I am and will always be Team Jen, it’s important to point out that it wasn't a leg that became a UN ambassador, wrote and directed a foreign language film about the Bosnian war, created several charitable organizations, helped raise the profile of causes for poor and oppressed people in third world nations, and adopted the entire cast of Lost.  So stop talking about her damn leg.  It’s an insult to these women when people focus on their physical appearances and the frivolous aspects of their lives rather than the content of their achievements.  That’s why I am content free and only worry about looking sparkly and singing fun pop songs – so there’s no confusion as to what kind of message I’m putting across.

I made this photo small to show you how unimportant it is.

I'm Here. I'm Bi-Weekly. Get Used To It.

I’m back!  I’m going to TRY and keep this blog thing up bi-weekly.  Bi-weekly means I like both weeks equally.  To me it’s not about labels, it’s about who the week is on the inside.  And if I want to experiment and try posting this in another week, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t discriminate between weeks, okay?

I’m going to start out with a question for the techie geeks in the house...

How does YouTube know I’m Jewish?

Our sound technician and house elf, Kev, says it’s because Big Brother is watching.  This makes no sense.  I am an only child, so I’m nobody’s little sister.  Unless he means his big brother, and why would Kev’s brother care what I do? 

This is a picture of Kev having his hair smelled by a person. 

Perhaps his big brother?

I mean, I know that since Al Quesadilla became a big deal and Dick Cheney freaked out about it, everything we type into the intermatron is a permanent record.  But I never really search or talk about my Jewessness, partly because I’m wary of the anti-septics.  However, every time I go on YouTube, whether I’m at home or one of those free computers people leave sitting out at Starbucks, whether I’m watching it through a facebook embedment, or on the YouTube itself, I get this same ad: 

Preserve Jewish Culture

The next Jewish generation matters. Donate now.  If not now, when?

www.JewishLA.org/JewishFuture           Ads by Google

WHY?  Besides searching the tube for old videos of my all-girl all-Jewish pop group, The Jewels, I have done nothing to indicate I would donate to the Jews.  Also, computers should be smart enough to know I live in London and not Los Angeles.  I’m so confused!  If somebody could please explain it to me, I would be grateful.

Anyway, I promised in the last post that I would talk about that dark time in my life after The Jewels broke up.  I was living in Orlando with my dad and manager, Bruce Rubenstein.  Oh, and my mom, but she was always doing boring things like “working” and “providing for the family with her career”.  With nobody to stand behind me and sing, I decided to return to my early roots at Disney.  (When I was a kid I auditioned for the Mickey Mouse Club at the same time as Britney!)  The only role available was not so much a musical one, as a “put on this heavy mouse suit and sweat in Florida humidity for nine hours a day” kinda role.  I was stationed at Epcot, the park that nobody goes to because it’s educational. 

Some random kids from the internet in front of Epcot UK.

Epcot is kind of a bigger version of the It’s A Small World ride, where you get to visit different countries.  There’s a Little Germany, a Little China, Japan, Italy, etc.  Epcot is where I first discovered my Anglephiliac tendencies towards Great Britain, at the Rose & Crown Pub.  You see, when your back-up singers desert you for the bright lights and success of the greater New Jersey Jewish Community and Minnie Mouse is the only performing job you can get in the State, a cool pint of lager is exactly what you need to brighten your spirits/drown your sorrows.  It’s there that I learned that "chips" means French Fries and that "bangers" is not prison slang for rapists.  I drank A LOT in that pub, and could often be spotted there on my break.  Ugh, and then the ONE time that I was too tired to change out of my costume between shifts, some little brat got a bunch of pictures of Minnie doing a keg stand and offering to take her top off in exchange for an Irish car bomb (they don’t have a Little Ireland so had to consolidate I guess?)  Needless to say, Michael Eisner was NOT impressed with my behaviour and I was swiftly fired.

Me and My Dad at Disney

Hitting Rock Bottom

But my love for all things British never waned, and every day at 4pm I would sit at home and have English tea parties with my Lady Gaga doll, a life-sized cut-out of Elvis (a left over novelty from my Bat Mitzvah party) and my dad, Bruce Rubenstein. But I tired of cucumber sandwiches and scones on my own, and longed to find others who shared my passion.  One day at Publix (our local grocery store) I saw an ad calling for new members to join a society called The Tea Party.  How perfect!  A whole group of like-minded souls!  I turned up dressed as Princess Di on her wedding day, ready to devour jam and crumpets and debate the virtues of Mr Darcy versus Mr Wickham.  But nobody else was in costume, and instead of tea and biscuits they served Orange Fanta and saltine crackers.  I was very confused, but I stuck with them, because, who was I to turn down new friends?  As it turns out, their Tea Party is a political organisation named after the first time the Americans sat down with the Native American Indians and drank British tea in Boston.  And that, dear reader, is how I came to be the campaign manager for Sarah Palin’s mayoral election in Wassilla, Alaska.

A pitbull wearing lipstick on her face.

I will leave you, as promised, with a music related video posting.  Rebecca Black is a modern day icon for the e-generation.  She is famous because of the intermatron, and even though her initial reviews were negative, she came back fighting and now has a fully blown pop career and several amazing singles and music videos. Annoyingly, Kev (see above) who is NOT a fan of her work, has found a way to block all Rebecca Black videos from playing on any computer in our bedsit, so instead you will have to deal with her brilliant cameo in Katy Perry's Last Friday Night (TGIF) video. (I won't even start on Katy Perry, because I could write an Encyclopaedic novella on how awesome she is and you probs don't have the time for that, because you're very busy at your job saving sick people and/or typing down numbers for the men.)

Until next time. 

Much love,

Miss Pistol Rubenstein of Orlando, Florida, USA

K-Pop is the new Black (pop) and other things you should know by now

Hi guys,

Sorry I didn't blog you last week.  Dry your eyes though, I'm back with more fabulous things to tell you that will blow your brains out.

This week, I took someone's cocktail suggestion and made a White Russian.  This is a drink comprised of coffee liqueur (Kahlua or Tia Maria), vodka, and milk. It is delicious.  If your kids are difficult and complain about the taste of the drinks you give them, try a White Russian. It will trick them into loving alcohol. #PistolsParentingTips.  It is the favourite drink of that dude in the classic sports film The Big Lebwoski. Apparently the more you like this movie, the cooler a person you are.  I have never seen it, but an ex-boyf once said that I reminded him of Julianne Moore in this film. This direct association with the film makes me extra cool and she's so channelling Lady Gaga in this photo I Googled, so I assume he means I am a super cool pop icon.

Recently, we decided that it's about time Jack have a birthday, so we picked a day and I cooked him a cake.  I used my leftover cocktail and poured it in the batter.  It's amaze.  Here's a pic and a link to the recipe.  It kinda tastes like an Oreo.  (In my adaptation I substituted 1 1/4 cups of water for 1/4 cup of vodka, 1/2 cup of Tia Maria, and 1/2 cup of coffee, trust me you'll love it.)  Also, the butter frosting is an INTENSE experience, kind of how I imagine making love to a vampire would be (a REAL one like Dracula or Lestat or Nosferatu, not those ridiculous fictional sparkly ones.) The recipe for the frosting is here.

Aren't you impressed with my cooking skills?

Since we are a music group, and my last video posting was such a hit, I've decided to bring you a new fave of mine in each blog.  This week, it's Girl's Generation, a 9 piece girl group from South Korea.  This song is awesome (ignore the intro with the stupid dove), especially when they break it down Pistol style at 3:30.  


Korean Pop (or K-Pop) is like Hello Kitty for adults = fun, trendy, and Japanese.  There's another K-Pop girl group called 2NE1 you can also check out.  Girls Generation and 2NE1 are like N Sync vs Backstreet Boys or Coldplay vs Radiohead vs Elbow.  From afar they all sound different, but up close they look just the same.  K-Popstars are recruited and go to special schools from the time they are little and train in acting, dancing, and singing.  It's kinda like Hogwarts, but they use their wands for chopsticks and instead of Quidditch they have eating disorders.  (There is even a girl who moans and cries in the bathroom all the time, but she's not a ghost, she is just bulimic.)

Watching Girls Generation reminds me of my days in The Jewels, the all-girl, all-Jewish pop group which was my first big break into the music business. J-Pop never took off in the way that K-Pop has.  (Mainly because the Japanese got to that term first, so it means something else.)  The Jewels toured the nursing homes and synagogues of South Florida to much acclaim, but whilst I always remained the lead, the back-up spots were cursed with an ever changing line-up. (Yet ANOTHER thing I have in common with Beyonce Knowles.) Then, in Hannukah of '89, the Jewels ended tragically when the remaining girls (I will edit their names to protect their anonymity, so will type them as Jam*e L*ppman and Em*ly Garf*nkel) quit and formed their own band.  They would later go on to headline the B'Nai Shalom North Eastern Sukkot Conference. It was a big blow for me and what followed was a dark time in my life that I don't want to talk about...  Okay, I totally wanna talk about it, but if Facebook has taught me anything, it's that if you really want people to give you attention and listen to what you say, you should be vague, dramatic, and withholding of important details.  So, for now I'll dangle that carrot and fill you in on my post-Jewels/pre-Jack days in the next blog!  

Until then, when I will tell you how to get fired from Disney and run a political campaign... (CARROTS.)

Ciao!

Love,

Pistol xoxo

Pistol Has Things To Say Too Dammit

Dear fans and stalkers,

I am very excited to write to you directly.  I’m so nervous about my first blog, I had to make a cocktail to get me going.  A while ago one of the bars we were playing created a cocktail in our honour called the Pistol & Jack.  The Pistol was champagne, because I’m classy, and expensive, and the cork shoots off like a pistol.  The Jack was Jack Daniels.  Because Jack doesn’t have much imagination.  They dropped in a sugar cube with some sort of syrupy stuff drizzled on top, and then poured in the booze.  It’s actually bubbly, delicious, and gets you fucked up really fast.  Just like the real Pistol & Jack.

We don’t have any of that stuff here, so I’m making a budget version with Red Bull and Glenfidditch.  For my readers outside of the UK, Glenfidditch is a Scotch whiskey, and they pronounce the ‘ditch’ as ‘dick.’  I KNOW.  Even though I’m drinking out of a champagne glass, this budget version of a Pistol & Jack is totally gross.  But it’s getting the job done.  Kind of how I imagine a tribute act to us would be.  There were some folks back in the early 00’s who attempted to create a tribute act to us, called Rifle & Smack.  They were very unsuccessful, mainly because nobody had heard of us back then, so the references were totally lost.  They abandoned the idea after a few gigs, changed their name to The White Stripes, and starting writing original stuff.  And look at them now.  Their band is not even together anymore and we are STILL gigging.  Just goes to show you.

Cocktails on a Budget

As I write this, Beyonce’s gramma, Etta James, has just died.  Everyone is very sad, and I know this because they’ve said so on Twitter and Facebook, and I’m sure if I was into watching the news, it would be on there, too.  I found some of Etta’s music on the intermatron and am listening to it now.  She’s totally rocking it, and even though I only knew like two of her songs before, I am now suddenly feeling very sad about her death.  It’s only fitting that I should leave a tribute to her, so here’s my favourite of her songs.  They don’t have any videos of her singing it herself, and I can’t find the one of Beyonce singing it either, so instead I’ll post Rachel Crowe singing it on X Factor a few minutes before she falls on the ground weeping because she lost.  I actually think Rachel’s version is best anyway.  (Okay maybe that’s the real reason I’m posting hers, but I didn’t want to seem disrespectful to the dead or her bereaving granddaughter, so needed another excuse, but hey, I’m drunk now on Rifle & Smack, which if you don’t breathe through your nose while you sip it is actually okay, so I’m feeling honest.  This 13 year old girl is amazing and I say that with no ironing.)  Enjoy the video :-) 

RIP ETTA JAMES

The emotion Rachel feels is so real.  It’s like, when she’s singing about her lover leaving her she really knows what it’s like.  Or it could also be like the “lover” is the “judges/audience” whose hands her fate is in, and she’s singing to them that she doesn’t want this love affair aka "time on the X Factor", to end.  Watch it again now with that in mind, and it will give you chills.  WATCH.  IT.  AGAIN.

How long are blogs supposed to be?  Am I allowed to take a nap?  I guess if you don’t read this live, but tape it for later, then you can fast forward through my nap, so I’m gonna nap.  You would think the Red Bull should be keeping me up, but I really put in mostly Glenfiddledick and just a splash of bull, so I’m feeling kinda tired.  While I’m napping, you can take a break.  I’ll give you some ideas of what to do. A) Have a snack. Maybe some cashews, or some licorice, or some ham.  B) Straighten your hair. I didn’t want to say anything, but it’s totally frizzly.  C) Write to your senator.  Because that’s how you get things DONE. 

Okay, snoozles!

***********

Okay, I’m back from my nap!  I hope that wasn’t too boring for you and you found something interesting to do. 

So there’s my first blog!  I’m not sure if I was supposed to write about something pacific or not, but if Twitter is anything to go by, people care what celebrities say even if it’s meaningless garbage.  At least I gave you an emotional journey, am I right?  Plus Twitter is really inhibiting for someone like me who has a lot to say.  But this is all for now, until next time, when I will write again. To tell you more. About what’s on my mind.  Also, please suggest some other, not disgusting, cocktails for me to make whilst I write the next one.

So, gonna go throw up and then Google the new episode of American Idol.  J Lo is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pretty, and I love how Steven Tyler does his makeup. 

Love you guys!

Pistol xoxoxoxoxo

PS  I should also thank my best gal pal and mentor, Miss Dixie Longate, for encouraging me to start blogging.  She is an inspirational single mom who started her own business selling Tupperware to middle class housewives, and now she is an international superstar.  Check out her blog and check her tour schedule to see if she’s bringing one of her Tupperware parties to a town near you.

This Blog Needs A Serious Update

Okay, so we kinda forgot that we have a blog. Who reads blogs anyway? Oh, geeks do.  And it turns out a lot of our fans are geeks. And we love our fans. So now we love our blog.


Since the last blog, we went to Edinburgh. We kind of blacked out for a few weeks in the middle, but fortunately some people documented what happened. This is what they wrote:

‘A fine-tuned show… big laughs, deft character work and impressive musicality.’

(Time Out)

««««

‘Personality, music, religion, sex and culture all clash in this riotous act 

and the overall effect is a funny, flirtatious concoction that is very entertaining.’

(What’s On Stage)

««««

‘A loud, hilarious night.’

(Broadway Baby)

‘A real tour de force… an emotional yet comic tale of 

desperation, depravity and love.’

(The Jewish News)

Yes. That's us on the cover.  Of The Jewish News.  They LOVED us. They even came to watch us on a Friday night, which is the highest honour.  Because watching cabaret on Shabbat is a mitzvah.  Look it up in the Torah.


Then we took the show to the Soho Theatre. It was so great to perform in our home, back amongst the prostitutes and crack addicts.  It looked like this:

Then we did a Christmas show for several nights at the Tristan Bates Theatre. Pistol wore a dreidel on her head and talked a lot about Hannukah.  Nobody understood her, so we asked some friends to perform.  It looked like this (photos © simonkanephotography.co.uk 2011):

THIS IS US:

THIS IS BOB & JIM: 

THIS IS WILFREDO: 

And that's our last few months in a nutshell.
Thanks for listening.
P&J XOXO