Dear fans and stalkers,
I am very excited to write to you directly. I’m so nervous about my first blog, I had to make a cocktail to get me going. A while ago one of the bars we were playing created a cocktail in our honour called the Pistol & Jack. The Pistol was champagne, because I’m classy, and expensive, and the cork shoots off like a pistol. The Jack was Jack Daniels. Because Jack doesn’t have much imagination. They dropped in a sugar cube with some sort of syrupy stuff drizzled on top, and then poured in the booze. It’s actually bubbly, delicious, and gets you fucked up really fast. Just like the real Pistol & Jack.
We don’t have any of that stuff here, so I’m making a budget version with Red Bull and Glenfidditch. For my readers outside of the UK, Glenfidditch is a Scotch whiskey, and they pronounce the ‘ditch’ as ‘dick.’ I KNOW. Even though I’m drinking out of a champagne glass, this budget version of a Pistol & Jack is totally gross. But it’s getting the job done. Kind of how I imagine a tribute act to us would be. There were some folks back in the early 00’s who attempted to create a tribute act to us, called Rifle & Smack. They were very unsuccessful, mainly because nobody had heard of us back then, so the references were totally lost. They abandoned the idea after a few gigs, changed their name to The White Stripes, and starting writing original stuff. And look at them now. Their band is not even together anymore and we are STILL gigging. Just goes to show you.
Cocktails on a Budget
As I write this, Beyonce’s gramma, Etta James, has just died. Everyone is very sad, and I know this because they’ve said so on Twitter and Facebook, and I’m sure if I was into watching the news, it would be on there, too. I found some of Etta’s music on the intermatron and am listening to it now. She’s totally rocking it, and even though I only knew like two of her songs before, I am now suddenly feeling very sad about her death. It’s only fitting that I should leave a tribute to her, so here’s my favourite of her songs. They don’t have any videos of her singing it herself, and I can’t find the one of Beyonce singing it either, so instead I’ll post Rachel Crowe singing it on X Factor a few minutes before she falls on the ground weeping because she lost. I actually think Rachel’s version is best anyway. (Okay maybe that’s the real reason I’m posting hers, but I didn’t want to seem disrespectful to the dead or her bereaving granddaughter, so needed another excuse, but hey, I’m drunk now on Rifle & Smack, which if you don’t breathe through your nose while you sip it is actually okay, so I’m feeling honest. This 13 year old girl is amazing and I say that with no ironing.) Enjoy the video :-)
RIP ETTA JAMES
The emotion Rachel feels is so real. It’s like, when she’s singing about her lover leaving her she really knows what it’s like. Or it could also be like the “lover” is the “judges/audience” whose hands her fate is in, and she’s singing to them that she doesn’t want this love affair aka "time on the X Factor", to end. Watch it again now with that in mind, and it will give you chills. WATCH. IT. AGAIN.
How long are blogs supposed to be? Am I allowed to take a nap? I guess if you don’t read this live, but tape it for later, then you can fast forward through my nap, so I’m gonna nap. You would think the Red Bull should be keeping me up, but I really put in mostly Glenfiddledick and just a splash of bull, so I’m feeling kinda tired. While I’m napping, you can take a break. I’ll give you some ideas of what to do. A) Have a snack. Maybe some cashews, or some licorice, or some ham. B) Straighten your hair. I didn’t want to say anything, but it’s totally frizzly. C) Write to your senator. Because that’s how you get things DONE.
Okay, I’m back from my nap! I hope that wasn’t too boring for you and you found something interesting to do.
So there’s my first blog! I’m not sure if I was supposed to write about something pacific or not, but if Twitter is anything to go by, people care what celebrities say even if it’s meaningless garbage. At least I gave you an emotional journey, am I right? Plus Twitter is really inhibiting for someone like me who has a lot to say. But this is all for now, until next time, when I will write again. To tell you more. About what’s on my mind. Also, please suggest some other, not disgusting, cocktails for me to make whilst I write the next one.
So, gonna go throw up and then Google the new episode of American Idol. J Lo is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo pretty, and I love how Steven Tyler does his makeup.
Love you guys!
PS I should also thank my best gal pal and mentor, Miss Dixie Longate, for encouraging me to start blogging. She is an inspirational single mom who started her own business selling Tupperware to middle class housewives, and now she is an international superstar. Check out her blog and check her tour schedule to see if she’s bringing one of her Tupperware parties to a town near you.