Wednesday, 31 October 2012

#GlitterVoting: The Most Important Election Opinion is My Election Opinion

Hello again!

Last we blogged together I said I would allow y’all to ask me anything and I would answer it. Wow. I have just been overwhelmed by the questions that have been pouring in. There were literally FOURS of you just begging to know my deepest darkests.  This was so popular that I think I will keep it on-going, so keep asking and I will get to all of your questions in later posts.

One question I got is particularly relevant this week, so I’m going to devote this whole entry to it and get to the other questions next time.

Q: Pistol, you’ve typed in past blogs about your history in politics, but who will you be voting for in the upcoming election?

A: Duuuuurh. What a silly question. Sometimes I feel like you don’t know me at all. Obviously, it’s Roseanne. 

Read her bid for the Presidency HERE.

I’m voting for you, Roseanne. (I presume you are reading this, because I know you’re a big fan and follow everything I do on the internet.) I know when you are president the whole world will be a better place because you would eradicate things like war and poverty with your razor sharp wit. All we would need is a dose of the funnies to cure third world diseases, and those tea party folk? Well, we’ll just throw a barrel of laughs into their Boston Harbor and see who comes out on top! Okay, I know making jokes about jokes is like two positives becoming a negative, and therefore you might think I’m being nasty or sarcasmical. The truth is, I think she would be a great leader and we need more people like her running the country, and less people like this:

 This Kid Looks Like He Would Have Bullied the Teen Wolf
 and Now You Want to Make Him President of the Galactic Senate?

It’s also high time we had a woman in office.  And I know what you’re thinking.  Having a woman in ANY office is dangerous.   Trust me, I have done research on this.  Here is what I found:

1.) High heels hurt our feet and make us grumpy. A grumpy President might choose to invade a country willy-nilly, with no reason or evidence to do so.

2.) The fumes from our nail polish can go straight to our heads, not to mention the years of inhaling hairspray.* These cosmetics almost always induce hallucinogenic side effects. I learned this one the hard way the night I had that vogue battle with Elmo. We wouldn’t want the President to hallucinate. It'll start innocently with her thinking the walls of her office are round, but then she'll go all crazy and promise everyone a free doctor whenever they’re sick.

3.) We are highly susceptible to things like menstruation which can sometimes lead to mood swings, flights of fancy, and the shedding of the uterine lining. A President is no good to anyone if she has to spend every fifth week on the couch with a hot water bottle, downing a box of mac'n'cheese and watching X Files re-runs.

4.) According to my intense research of the comments sections of every website with a comments section, it seems women are bad at math and good at sandwich making. Presidents need to be GOOD at math and BAD at sandwich making. Everyone knows that.

5.) Finally, our hormones basically just make us crazy all the time. Trust me, I know from personal experience. What other reason would there be for me crying my eyes out every time I try to fall asleep? And I am constantly making irrational judgments like thinking it was okay to share my ice cream cone with that fox on Dean Street.   

                                           It was not as cute as this, TRUST ME.

So, I think we can all surmise that a female president is a dangerous proposition. But I have discovered that not ALL women have the above problems.  Sure, MOST women are crazy bitches, just like MOST women aren’t funny, and MOST women only want a man for his money. But there are a few exceptions and Roseanne is one of them.  Just look at her:

 This is what the wise old chief of your tribe would look like
if he was married to John Goodman.

She has grey hair, which we all know means she has already been through menopause, so we don’t have to worry about the phases of the moon influencing her important decisions. She is past her child-breeding years, so no longer needs hallucinogenic cosmetics to make herself attractive to catch a man. That ship has sailed (probably to Cancun) and since she doesn’t have to worry about what she looks like, she can now focus on whatever flavour-of-the-month is the big problem in Africa. DONE.

So, I’ve taken a picture of my vote to show you before I send it back to Florida.  Here it is!

#GlitterVoting #BarrSheehan2012

Woah woah woah woah WOAH. I’ve just been told that because I vote in Florida, and it’s a swing state (which I had to explain to Jack is NOT what he thought), I should not “waste” my vote on the funniest TV Mom of all time, even though she’s awesome and bonkers and would be the first female president of any country ever. Apparently third parties don’t have much of a real chance.  This sucks. Why do I only get to choose between two? When you go to the website where you illegally download your music, do they say you can either download Taylor Swift OR Gangnam Style, but if you want anything else just forget about it? I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE TAYLOR SWIFT AND GANGNAM STYLE ARE MY ONLY CHOICES.  For those of you reading this in 1994, it’s like only getting to choose between Sophie B. Hawkins and Los Del Rio. Not good. (Although if you’re in ‘94 that means Clinton is President and life will never get better, so you should just shoot yourself now. Do you hear me, Kurt?)

Okay, so let me look at the “real” choices. First there is Barack Obama.  Friend to women, gays, and Jews. I think we can all agree that is pretty much my demographic.  But I do have some issues. This isn't the time or place to go into details, but me and his daughter Malia have some history and all I'm gonna say is that little brat should watch her back. Secondly, his wife wants to use her powers for evil and euthanize fat kids rather than do something important, but I can overlook that, because she is a woman, and as we have already learned that means she is pretty erratic and useless anyway.

This is what smug looks like.

Next we have Romney. Mittens Romney hails from Ancient Egypt. He wears his hair fashioned into a headdress, wants to bring back slavery, and will order the slaughter of the first born son of every gay and/or woman in the land. Essentially, if you vote for Romney, no matter what your reasoning is, it means you hate anyone who is different than you and you think nobody deserves human equality**. Fair enough, but I know which side of the parting of his carefully coiffed hairdo I fall on. (The left. It’s the left side.)

Regardless of your issues with Obama (or his snooty, know-it-all, "everyone-loves-me", "aren't-I-so-special" offspring), there is just no way to justify voting for someone who thinks the 1950's were better, simpler times. Listen, last month I went to the 1950's and it was terrible. Sure, everything was cheaper and males actually dressed like gentlemen instead of like the homeless, but most of it was downright disturbing. Black people and white people couldn't fornicate with each other and make hot biracial babies. Women were forced into motherhood/housewifery as their only life option. People thought Jews had horns. And worst of all, I couldn't find an homosexual to tell me how fierce I was ANYWHERE. When I said out loud that one day a black gay woman would work in the White House, they called me a witch and tried to stone me to death. 

That's the kind of world Mittens and his ilk want us to return to. But I have hope that in 50 years kids will look back at 2012 and compare everyone who voted Republican to that lady in The Help who forced her maid to go potty in the outhouse.  Now we say, "Can you believe black people and white people couldn't drink from the same water fountain?" In the future they will say, "What's a water fountain? That sounds very unhygienic. Also, can you believe there was a movement where people ate chicken sandwiches to stop mommy from marrying mommy?" Racist grandpas will be replaced by homophobic grandpas, and teenage girls will dress up as zombie astronauts for Halloween instead of sex-trafficked refugees. That future can be a reality if you DON'T vote for Mittens Romney.

If you still can’t decide, there is a little something called a celebrity endorsement that can help. Let me break it down right here. One of the candidates hangs out with Beyonce and Katy Perry.  The other hangs out with Meatloaf. What do YOU THINK?

The First Family Are Pop Stars

Meatloaf is a drunk televangelist and his real name is Robert Paulson.

I guess this means I will have to get out my nail polish remover and erase my vote for Roseanne. I do love her and hope that she continues to be an activist and do stuff in politics. Or at least makes a show about it. Because what’s the point of doing anything if nobody is watching you, am I right?

So I hope that answers your question. And now, 1,672 words and a bit of soul searching later, I can officially add my name to the roster of pop star celebrities endorsing Obama. It feels good.

Have a Happy Election, kids. And remember, it doesn’t matter who you vote for***, it just matters that you VOTE.

Love and Politics,

Pistol xoxo

*Here’s a little makeup tip I learned from a drag queen in Vauxhall. Want to keep your makeup lasting all night long? Spray your hairspray on your face! Facespray! It works! #Facespray2012

**Equality is a myth anyway, because none of us will ever achieve the heights of the human super race that is both female and gay: the lesbian. Have you ever met a female woman lesbian who was not on the ball? Who was not cooler than you and your whole family? Who didn't laugh in the face of adversity? Who did not just suck it up and get shit DONE? If Obama was a lesbian this thing would be over already, is all I’m saying.

***It does matter. Vote for Barack Obama.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Everybody Tweets, Sometimes.

Hi Internet!

I’ve been racking on my head trying to figure out what to write about this week.  There is a lot going on in the world at the moment. Is more stuff going on than usual? Is it all important stuff? How do we know? There must have always been a lot happening, but now we know more about it because of widespread media outlets like Twitter.  Twitter is super important, because it is the voice of the people, and what people say on it matters, even if they are a nobody and have no friends.  Look at me, for example.  I was among the majority of tweeters who average 4 followers, all spam pornbots. You would think this would make my tweets irrelevant, but if you type about something other people are interested in and put a tic-tac-toe board in front of it, you suddenly get attention.  All I have to do is write something about #JustinBieber or #OneDirection and I will get a SLEW of responses.

If you tweet “#JustinBieber hates his fans”, 
lots of people will write back to you!

It’s important to pick a good Twitter name, too.  Unfortunately, @Pistol was already taken, and because Twitter is a touch anti-Semitic, they won’t accept @PistolRubenstein as a name because it has too many characters.  For a while I was using @PissDoll as my username, but I was getting some rather unwanted attention from a certain gentleman in Japan (@MrNakamura, I’m looking at you). Also, having only 4 fake people following me did nothing to help my self-esteem/nightly crying time, so I took the account down.  Now I just use our combined P&J account (@PistolAndJack), which only has a few hundred followers, most of whom are there because Jack has a good way with threats, or because they think we are the infamous Florida firearm superstore “Pistols of Jacksonville”. 

“Tweet Tweet”

Anyway, back to talking about what’s important in the world and how Twitter knows. Occasionally Jack brings back a fish or a boy wrapped in newspaper and I get to reading it. Journalists seem to no longer need to interview people in person.  Instead they can just search on Twitter what “the public” feel about a certain subject and use it in their article. I think this is a great idea, because the people on Twitter and the intermatron in general are a fantastic sampling of the country across the board. (By “the country” I mean the USA and UK, because honestly, who cares about anyplace else.) What I’m saying is it makes sense to go to Twitter for factual opinions rather than ask the person sitting next to you in the bagel store you’re reading this in.

Where you are right now.

Twitter has a nifty feature called “Trends” which tells you exactly what you should know about today. According to Twitter, these are the most important things happening in the world:

Facebook, Twilight, Halloween, Lil Wayne, Instagram, Obama

Here are some examples of the intelligent discourse between Tweeters on those trends:

To maximise popularity, I tweeted about all of them in one. (I left out Obama, because I don’t want him to read it and think I like Twilight. #IHateTwilight.)

This is what that would look like.

There are also trends that are for people to share their shared experiences. It's good to write very general things that everyone can relate to so they like you more. Today’s are #EveryFamilyHas and #FamousRejectionLines.

Here are my contributions:

And there you have it, Internet! A little guide from me to you on how to use Twitter to teach you about what's popular in the world and how to tweet about it to get attention. Another quick tip? If you're going to a fancy party and want to impress the other people there, quickly look at the Twitter trends first. It will give you plenty of topics to bring up so you sound smart and in touch with the world, as well as fabulous ideas for shared experience conversations.

On my next blog, I will be answering questions from YOU the reader, so please tweet me your questions at @PistolAndJack or write them on our Facebook wall or e-mail them to me at or message/tag/poke/post me on my private Facebook account or comment on this blog or text me on +44-207-408-2350 or sneak into my home and write it on the mirror in red lipstick. I'm here for the fans and will be accessible as much as possible or as little as I want.

I love you so much it hurts when I breathe,

Pistol R.