Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Everybody Tweets, Sometimes.

Hi Internet!

I’ve been racking on my head trying to figure out what to write about this week.  There is a lot going on in the world at the moment. Is more stuff going on than usual? Is it all important stuff? How do we know? There must have always been a lot happening, but now we know more about it because of widespread media outlets like Twitter.  Twitter is super important, because it is the voice of the people, and what people say on it matters, even if they are a nobody and have no friends.  Look at me, for example.  I was among the majority of tweeters who average 4 followers, all spam pornbots. You would think this would make my tweets irrelevant, but if you type about something other people are interested in and put a tic-tac-toe board in front of it, you suddenly get attention.  All I have to do is write something about #JustinBieber or #OneDirection and I will get a SLEW of responses.

If you tweet “#JustinBieber hates his fans”, 
lots of people will write back to you!

It’s important to pick a good Twitter name, too.  Unfortunately, @Pistol was already taken, and because Twitter is a touch anti-Semitic, they won’t accept @PistolRubenstein as a name because it has too many characters.  For a while I was using @PissDoll as my username, but I was getting some rather unwanted attention from a certain gentleman in Japan (@MrNakamura, I’m looking at you). Also, having only 4 fake people following me did nothing to help my self-esteem/nightly crying time, so I took the account down.  Now I just use our combined P&J account (@PistolAndJack), which only has a few hundred followers, most of whom are there because Jack has a good way with threats, or because they think we are the infamous Florida firearm superstore “Pistols of Jacksonville”. 

“Tweet Tweet”

Anyway, back to talking about what’s important in the world and how Twitter knows. Occasionally Jack brings back a fish or a boy wrapped in newspaper and I get to reading it. Journalists seem to no longer need to interview people in person.  Instead they can just search on Twitter what “the public” feel about a certain subject and use it in their article. I think this is a great idea, because the people on Twitter and the intermatron in general are a fantastic sampling of the country across the board. (By “the country” I mean the USA and UK, because honestly, who cares about anyplace else.) What I’m saying is it makes sense to go to Twitter for factual opinions rather than ask the person sitting next to you in the bagel store you’re reading this in.

Where you are right now.

Twitter has a nifty feature called “Trends” which tells you exactly what you should know about today. According to Twitter, these are the most important things happening in the world:

Facebook, Twilight, Halloween, Lil Wayne, Instagram, Obama

Here are some examples of the intelligent discourse between Tweeters on those trends:

To maximise popularity, I tweeted about all of them in one. (I left out Obama, because I don’t want him to read it and think I like Twilight. #IHateTwilight.)

This is what that would look like.

There are also trends that are for people to share their shared experiences. It's good to write very general things that everyone can relate to so they like you more. Today’s are #EveryFamilyHas and #FamousRejectionLines.

Here are my contributions:

And there you have it, Internet! A little guide from me to you on how to use Twitter to teach you about what's popular in the world and how to tweet about it to get attention. Another quick tip? If you're going to a fancy party and want to impress the other people there, quickly look at the Twitter trends first. It will give you plenty of topics to bring up so you sound smart and in touch with the world, as well as fabulous ideas for shared experience conversations.

On my next blog, I will be answering questions from YOU the reader, so please tweet me your questions at @PistolAndJack or write them on our Facebook wall or e-mail them to me at or message/tag/poke/post me on my private Facebook account or comment on this blog or text me on +44-207-408-2350 or sneak into my home and write it on the mirror in red lipstick. I'm here for the fans and will be accessible as much as possible or as little as I want.

I love you so much it hurts when I breathe,

Pistol R.

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