Friday, 24 February 2012

I'm Here. I'm Bi-Weekly. Get Used To It.

I’m back!  I’m going to TRY and keep this blog thing up bi-weekly.  Bi-weekly means I like both weeks equally.  To me it’s not about labels, it’s about who the week is on the inside.  And if I want to experiment and try posting this in another week, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t discriminate between weeks, okay?

I’m going to start out with a question for the techie geeks in the house...

How does YouTube know I’m Jewish?

Our sound technician and house elf, Kev, says it’s because Big Brother is watching.  This makes no sense.  I am an only child, so I’m nobody’s little sister.  Unless he means his big brother, and why would Kev’s brother care what I do? 

This is a picture of Kev having his hair smelled by a person. 
Perhaps his big brother?

I mean, I know that since Al Quesadilla became a big deal and Dick Cheney freaked out about it, everything we type into the intermatron is a permanent record.  But I never really search or talk about my Jewessness, partly because I’m wary of the anti-septics.  However, every time I go on YouTube, whether I’m at home or one of those free computers people leave sitting out at Starbucks, whether I’m watching it through a facebook embedment, or on the YouTube itself, I get this same ad: 

Preserve Jewish Culture
The next Jewish generation matters. Donate now.  If not now, when?           Ads by Google

WHY?  Besides searching the tube for old videos of my all-girl all-Jewish pop group, The Jewels, I have done nothing to indicate I would donate to the Jews.  Also, computers should be smart enough to know I live in London and not Los Angeles.  I’m so confused!  If somebody could please explain it to me, I would be grateful.

Anyway, I promised in the last post that I would talk about that dark time in my life after The Jewels broke up.  I was living in Orlando with my dad and manager, Bruce Rubenstein.  Oh, and my mom, but she was always doing boring things like “working” and “providing for the family with her career”.  With nobody to stand behind me and sing, I decided to return to my early roots at Disney.  (When I was a kid I auditioned for the Mickey Mouse Club at the same time as Britney!)  The only role available was not so much a musical one, as a “put on this heavy mouse suit and sweat in Florida humidity for nine hours a day” kinda role.  I was stationed at Epcot, the park that nobody goes to because it’s educational. 
Some random kids from the internet in front of Epcot UK.

Epcot is kind of a bigger version of the It’s A Small World ride, where you get to visit different countries.  There’s a Little Germany, a Little China, Japan, Italy, etc.  Epcot is where I first discovered my Anglephiliac tendencies towards Great Britain, at the Rose & Crown Pub.  You see, when your back-up singers desert you for the bright lights and success of the greater New Jersey Jewish Community and Minnie Mouse is the only performing job you can get in the State, a cool pint of lager is exactly what you need to brighten your spirits/drown your sorrows.  It’s there that I learned that "chips" means French Fries and that "bangers" is not prison slang for rapists.  I drank A LOT in that pub, and could often be spotted there on my break.  Ugh, and then the ONE time that I was too tired to change out of my costume between shifts, some little brat got a bunch of pictures of Minnie doing a keg stand and offering to take her top off in exchange for an Irish car bomb (they don’t have a Little Ireland so had to consolidate I guess?)  Needless to say, Michael Eisner was NOT impressed with my behaviour and I was swiftly fired.

Me and My Dad at Disney

Hitting Rock Bottom

But my love for all things British never waned, and every day at 4pm I would sit at home and have English tea parties with my Lady Gaga doll, a life-sized cut-out of Elvis (a left over novelty from my Bat Mitzvah party) and my dad, Bruce Rubenstein. But I tired of cucumber sandwiches and scones on my own, and longed to find others who shared my passion.  One day at Publix (our local grocery store) I saw an ad calling for new members to join a society called The Tea Party.  How perfect!  A whole group of like-minded souls!  I turned up dressed as Princess Di on her wedding day, ready to devour jam and crumpets and debate the virtues of Mr Darcy versus Mr Wickham.  But nobody else was in costume, and instead of tea and biscuits they served Orange Fanta and saltine crackers.  I was very confused, but I stuck with them, because, who was I to turn down new friends?  As it turns out, their Tea Party is a political organisation named after the first time the Americans sat down with the Native American Indians and drank British tea in Boston.  And that, dear reader, is how I came to be the campaign manager for Sarah Palin’s mayoral election in Wassilla, Alaska.

A pitbull wearing lipstick on her face.

I will leave you, as promised, with a music related video posting.  Rebecca Black is a modern day icon for the e-generation.  She is famous because of the intermatron, and even though her initial reviews were negative, she came back fighting and now has a fully blown pop career and several amazing singles and music videos. Annoyingly, Kev (see above) who is NOT a fan of her work, has found a way to block all Rebecca Black videos from playing on any computer in our bedsit, so instead you will have to deal with her brilliant cameo in Katy Perry's Last Friday Night (TGIF) video. (I won't even start on Katy Perry, because I could write an Encyclopaedic novella on how awesome she is and you probs don't have the time for that, because you're very busy at your job saving sick people and/or typing down numbers for the men.)

Until next time. 

Much love,

Miss Pistol Rubenstein of Orlando, Florida, USA

Friday, 10 February 2012

K-Pop is the new Black (pop) and other things you should know by now

Hi guys,

Sorry I didn't blog you last week.  Dry your eyes though, I'm back with more fabulous things to tell you that will blow your brains out.

This week, I took someone's cocktail suggestion and made a White Russian.  This is a drink comprised of coffee liqueur (Kahlua or Tia Maria), vodka, and milk. It is delicious.  If your kids are difficult and complain about the taste of the drinks you give them, try a White Russian. It will trick them into loving alcohol. #PistolsParentingTips.  It is the favourite drink of that dude in the classic sports film The Big Lebwoski. Apparently the more you like this movie, the cooler a person you are.  I have never seen it, but an ex-boyf once said that I reminded him of Julianne Moore in this film. This direct association with the film makes me extra cool and she's so channelling Lady Gaga in this photo I Googled, so I assume he means I am a super cool pop icon.

Recently, we decided that it's about time Jack have a birthday, so we picked a day and I cooked him a cake.  I used my leftover cocktail and poured it in the batter.  It's amaze.  Here's a pic and a link to the recipe.  It kinda tastes like an Oreo.  (In my adaptation I substituted 1 1/4 cups of water for 1/4 cup of vodka, 1/2 cup of Tia Maria, and 1/2 cup of coffee, trust me you'll love it.)  Also, the butter frosting is an INTENSE experience, kind of how I imagine making love to a vampire would be (a REAL one like Dracula or Lestat or Nosferatu, not those ridiculous fictional sparkly ones.) The recipe for the frosting is here.

Aren't you impressed with my cooking skills?

Since we are a music group, and my last video posting was such a hit, I've decided to bring you a new fave of mine in each blog.  This week, it's Girl's Generation, a 9 piece girl group from South Korea.  This song is awesome (ignore the intro with the stupid dove), especially when they break it down Pistol style at 3:30.  

Korean Pop (or K-Pop) is like Hello Kitty for adults = fun, trendy, and Japanese.  There's another K-Pop girl group called 2NE1 you can also check out.  Girls Generation and 2NE1 are like N Sync vs Backstreet Boys or Coldplay vs Radiohead vs Elbow.  From afar they all sound different, but up close they look just the same.  K-Popstars are recruited and go to special schools from the time they are little and train in acting, dancing, and singing.  It's kinda like Hogwarts, but they use their wands for chopsticks and instead of Quidditch they have eating disorders.  (There is even a girl who moans and cries in the bathroom all the time, but she's not a ghost, she is just bulimic.)

Watching Girls Generation reminds me of my days in The Jewels, the all-girl, all-Jewish pop group which was my first big break into the music business. J-Pop never took off in the way that K-Pop has.  (Mainly because the Japanese got to that term first, so it means something else.)  The Jewels toured the nursing homes and synagogues of South Florida to much acclaim, but whilst I always remained the lead, the back-up spots were cursed with an ever changing line-up. (Yet ANOTHER thing I have in common with Beyonce Knowles.) Then, in Hannukah of '89, the Jewels ended tragically when the remaining girls (I will edit their names to protect their anonymity, so will type them as Jam*e L*ppman and Em*ly Garf*nkel) quit and formed their own band.  They would later go on to headline the B'Nai Shalom North Eastern Sukkot Conference. It was a big blow for me and what followed was a dark time in my life that I don't want to talk about...  Okay, I totally wanna talk about it, but if Facebook has taught me anything, it's that if you really want people to give you attention and listen to what you say, you should be vague, dramatic, and withholding of important details.  So, for now I'll dangle that carrot and fill you in on my post-Jewels/pre-Jack days in the next blog!  

Until then, when I will tell you how to get fired from Disney and run a political campaign... (CARROTS.)



Pistol xoxo